By LFC Vancouver member Keith Perkins, 22 March 06.

Some of you more observant readers will have noted my absence from last week’s newsletter. The explanation is that I made a serious mistake in my summary of our Champions League exit, saying that we were in a distinguished group of spectators including other previous champions Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, and Inter Milan. Of course I meant to say Ajax, not Inter, which was just an honest mistake.

Unfortunately, Paul was in a really bad mood after the Benfica match, and when he realised that such a simple mistake had slipped by him, he got really mad and did the equivalent of showing me a yellow card. That wouldn’t be so bad but it was the fifth time this season that I had made such a dumb mistake and so I was suspended for a week. An article from the reserves was called up, which happened to be my questionnaire from months ago, that was just waiting for an opportunity to show itself.

Actually that’s not true - as if you hadn’t guessed. In fact, I was away on a trip to Oregon for Spring Break. It was nice to get away for a while, but thank someone for the internet. There should be a big sign as you cross the border saying “Welcome to the USA – a football free zone.” There’s absolutely no coverage of anything football/soccer related at all, unless you can find a pub with the Fox Soccer Channel – and good luck with that! The congested fixture list meant that I missed three matches in a row in just one week. Still, I was back in time for the most important one, the FA Cup quarter final against the Brummies. More about that later.

It was great to be away for a while, but it’s good to be back amongst fellow Reds and be able to natter away about the latest news. Now that we are into the semi-finals, I hope to see lots of you out at LSPH to cheer us on to an appearance at Cardiff. It would be a case of a beautiful symmetry if we were to win the FA Cup there this year – making us the first (2001) and the last to win at Cardiff before resuming the finals at Wembley next year. That is, assuming that there are no more construction delays and no more roof collapses before then.

By LFC Vancouver member Keith Perkins, 23 March 06.

Just where do you start to describe a match and a result like that? I mean seven, count ‘em seven, goals for and none against. In one match! Can you believe it?

Let’s go back a few days or a couple of weeks and take a look at how we stood. We had a string of results that read 1-0, with Wigan, Arse-nil, Man City, and Man Ure all on the wrong end of those. We also had the 0-0 against Charlton sandwiched between the 0-1 loss and 0-2 losses to Benfica, followed by a 1-2 loss to Arse-nil. Obviously, our problem is that we can’t score goals. Even then, with the goals that we have scored in the last while, only Crouch (in the FA Cup against Man Ure) managed to find the net for the Reds, with Kewell, Garcia, Gerrard, and even Hyypia being relied on to score. It’s all very well, say the critics, if you have the best defensive record in the premiership, but you’ll never be champions if you can’t score lots of goals. So how do you answer those critics? That’s easy; show them our last three results.

After the disappointment of being knocked out of the Champions League, we had to face the unfortunate loss against Arse-nil. Could things get any worse? At least the next match would be at home, against Fulham, and surely we can beat them. Even if it’s only by one to nil, we’ll take it. We needed a win to get our confidence back, especially before the FA Cup quarter final coming up in less than a week. We not only got a win but we shut the critics up for a while with a five goal performance, including Robbies’s first. I’m sure he would have preferred to have scored at the Kop end, but what the hell? Then, just to show it was no fluke, we went to Newcastle and scored three. That had to be a confidence boost, especially for the strikers, going into the FA Cup match against the Brummies.

The biggest fear before this one was that we had to play two matches in three days, which is not what we need after we’ve already played more than any other club already. Will fatigue be a factor or will the recent form lift the lads to perform? Another concern had to be that in our two previous seasons under Rafa, we had lost two last year and drawn two this year. Would this be another frustrating match where we struggled or would we continue to show the recent dominant form?

All of those concerns were put aside in the first minute when Hyypia knocked one in from a Gerrard free kick, first flicked back from the head of Sissoko. That really was Momo out there, not some Edgar Davids impersonator. It was great to see him back after all of the earlier fears that he might lose sight in one eye, or at best would only be partially sighted which could be enough to end his career. That first goal might have been considered lucky by Birmingham, with the idea that they have a whole 89 minutes to get one back. But then Crouch added a second (header) a few minutes later, effectively putting any chance of a comeback out of reach. If you showed up five minutes late for this one, you would have missed two goals which should mean game over. I wondered then if we would hold back and take it easy, letting the time run down as the Brummies didn’t even seem interested in trying to fight back. One of the lads (Dave) watching with us at LSPH mentioned that holding back might be dangerous. I vaguely remember that we once had a two goal lead at half time and ended up losing 3-2 (1998 at Coventry?) That possibility was dispelled after several waves of attacks resulted in another goal (Crouch - with his feet this time), making it 3-0 at half time.

Now consider this: a team scores from a free kick in the first minute of play, carves up the opposition for the remainder of the half and goes in at the break with a 3-0 lead. Does this scenario ring any bells? If it does, it shouldn’t be alarm bells. As another lad (Andy?) said when I mentioned this, we’re not AC Milan and they are sure as hell not Liverpool. But surely we’ll ease off in the second half won’t we? Not so - we come out flying and score again, with a brilliant through ball down the right, dummied by Garcia, letting it go straight through to Gerrard on the edge of the box, where he laid it off perfectly into the path of Morientes to tap in for number four. Now we’ll take it easy, right? Wrong again!

We’ve barely had time to celebrate that and another attack puts the ball to Gerrard on the left edge of the box, where he gives it a Ronaldinho-like flick sideways and behind to Riise charging in with his head down. What else could that result in besides another JAR net-burster? That’s now five and I’m looking for answers to what’s our record score in an FA Cup match, we must be close to a record by now.

Two more yet, first from an own goal deflected in off a Kewell shot from the left, and then a Cissé strike that was screened by a Birmingham defender and went under the ‘keeper. That makes seven, and the crowd starts chanting we want ten, we want ten! As far as records go, that might not be necessary. We must be close to a record FA Cup score, it’s definitely Rafa’s biggest victory in any competition.

Looking at the faces of the two managers gives away the result and says it all about this match.

Thanks to LFC Toronto’s Graham Wignal (elloderlar) who sent out e-mails with previous record scores. Our previous best was Liverpool 8 Swansea 0, way back in 1990 during a third round replay. Our best FA Cup away score is: ta-da! Birmingham 0 Liverpool 7, March 21st, 2006. We were there to see a piece of history in the making, and damn it feels good!

By the time you read this you might know the draw for the semi-finals. We could be facing West Ham, Chel$ki, or Charlton/Middlesbrough (who need a replay). After our loss to Man Ure in February, I wanted a chance at revenge and it came in the fifth round of the FA Cup. We beat them, knocking them out of the cup, with us going on. After our loss to Chel$ki shortly after that, I was hoping for revenge again, and thinking that it might come in the FA Cup (I didn’t think they would get past Barcelona, so no chance of another Champions League showdown.) So yes, I’m hoping for a crack at them in the semi-finals. Let’s see if we get it. Oh yeah, one more thing: where are all those critics who were yapping about our inability to score goals? Do we still desperately need to look for new strikers this coming off-season? Michael Who?

Drop us a line and let Keith know what you think of this article

By LFC Vancouver member Keith Perkins, 22 March 06.

[note: Since Keith is just getting back, he's got a special article here, one if his best yet in my opinion. It's an excellent rant on the new Nike commercial some of you might have seen...if you haven't, just Google 'Nike Soccer Joga Bonita' and you should get a link to it] - P Gill

Last week’s newsletter included a piece in “Odds and Ends” about a Nike campaign for fair play, with Eric “the dread” Cuntona as spokes-animal. I thought it must be a joke until I saw it with my own eyes during the FA Cup Quarter Final. There he was, the “enfant terrible” himself spouting off about how the cheating and so on has to stop. That’s really rich coming from him of all people. Let’s take a look at this uniquely talented individual a little more closely.

The story of his development as a player begins in France, as a youth team member with Auxerre, at the age of 14. I recently read about this in a book called “Football Stories: Bad Boys and Hard Men.” In this book, he is one chapter of eight along with Diego “hand of god” Maradonna, Vinnie “the scythe” Jones, and Stuart “Psycho” Pearce. To quote from the chapter on Eric:

“The video footage of his early career in France becomes almost comic as you watch Cantona plumb depths of truly outstanding delinquency. It remains a wonder that the French authorities tolerated the ‘enfant terrible’ for so long. Watching him hurl shirts and balls, punching team-mates, stamping on opponents and insulting Henri Michel – the then national manager – it seems incredible that the man they called ‘Le Brat’ avoided being institutionalized, let alone escape a life ban from football.”

Perhaps we should write that off as the exuberance of youth or some such behaviour, with the expectation that he will just grow out of it and settle down as he matures. Let’s see what happens later:

“Some of his team-mates have painful memories of Cantona’s eruptions of temper. One of them, Bruno Martini, the Auxerre goalkeeper who would later play for France, made the mistake of asking Cantona to help move the goalposts on the training pitch – in a tone of voice to which the striker took violent exception. Cantona’s response was unequivocal. He punched him on the nose.”

Well, that’s all behind closed doors and so on, what about out there on the pitch in front of the crowds of adoring fans?

“The Nantes central defender Michel der Zakarian, one of the hard men of French football, had marked Cantona out of the game … Cantona was not amused, but waited before choosing his moment. Der Zakarian was running with the ball along the touch line when Cantona, sprinting at full pelt, launched into him with a high, two-footed, studs-up tackle that sent the Nantes player crashing into the advertising boards with a broken leg. Cantona received a red card but afterwards he refused to express even the slightest hint of remorse. Au contraire. In his mind, he had been right, simply administering natural justice to a man who had dared to trespass against him.”

So, after long conversations with the coaching staff, he gradually came around to seeing it their way. That is until his next loss of temper and explosion of rage. These outbursts included calling the French national coach “un sac de merde” live on television, ripping off his shirt, throwing it to the ground, and then storming off the pitch after being taunted by the opposition supporters. The problem child was passed from club to club before it was finally realised that nobody could handle him. While at Montpellier, he threw a changing room tantrum after a defeat to Lille:

“Cantona heard two of his team-mates moaning about the game, and mistakenly thought that they were criticising him. He went berserk and attacked [one of them] with a football boot, hitting the little midfielder over the head over and over again in a wild frenzy, while screaming insults.”

The final straw came when he was at Nimes. In one match, where he would not accept the referee’s decisions, he became so outraged and protested so much that he was shown a yellow card and then a red. Did he leave quietly? Let’s see:

“Cantona reacted furiously, picking up the ball and launching it at the referee. The incident was to mark the end of Cantona’s career in French club football. [After the match, in the tunnel] Cantona laid in wait for [the] Saint-Etienne defender .., whom he held responsible for his sending off, and as the players trooped off he attacked him, first with a volley of abuse and then with a powerful punch to the face.”

One journalist who wrote about the incident received a phone call from Monsieur Cantona, threatening to beat him up, and asking him to come to the club car park. “I’ll be waiting for you.” Of course he was suspended for the incident, but not before he appeared before the disciplinary committee where he told them they were all idiots. He had had enough, apparently, and announced his retirement at the age of twenty five.

For some inexplicable reason, Michel Platini and Gérard Houllier (French national team coaches) advised him to re-launch his career in England. This was where he really developed his talents. His first club was Leeds, where he won a League Championship, and then for no real reason he walked out and signed for Man Ure. That’s where we remember some of his “best” performances, of arguing with the referees, hacking players and so on, being sent off so often and giving another meaning to the “red” in his nickname.

One such sending off, at Selhurst Park, culminated in the famous Bruce Lee worthy drop-kick to the head of an abusive Crystal Palace supporter, giving him a mouthful of studs. Monsieur Cantona was assessed 120 hours of community service (teaching football to youngsters, if you can believe that) and a seven month ban. The worst part for us is that the final day of the ban was on a Saturday, when the Reds were to visit Old Ratford. For some mysterious reason (we can only guess) the fixture was moved to the Sunday, meaning Cantona’s return would be seen on international television, against us, where he scored from the spot and set up the other in a 2-2 draw.

So what’s next in Nike’s campaign? We might see Maradonna appealing for drug-free sport or perhaps Vinnie Jones suggesting that any player who injures another should be banned for life. Of course, you might say that this is just an advertising campaign for Nike and so it shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Maybe so, but it still makes me puke.

Drop us a line and let Keith know what you think of this article. Or pass it on to any Man Ure fans you might know.

John Leathwood is going to Thailand on April 1st and is offering to pick up golf shirts with England and Liverpool badges and names. If you're interested, let us know and we'll forward the email to John, or get you his phone number. John'll pick up the shirts for $20 each.

a joke from Paul Done:

It’s “What do you parents do at work?” day at school, and one by one, the kids are asked to talk about their parents’ jobs.
Little Sarah stands up and says: “My Dad’s a fireman, he drives the Fire Engine and puts the siren on when they are going to a fire.”
Bobby says: “My mum’s an English teacher and she shows kids how to read and spell.”
Gary says: “My Dad’s a male dancer. He takes his clothes off in clubs, and sometimes, if people pay him, he goes home with them as well.”
The shocked teacher says: “Oh my God Gary. Is this true?”
Gary looks down at his feet for a minute and says: “No, actually he plays for Everton, and I made that up because I was too ashamed to tell you the truth.”

Thanks for contributing, guys. If anyone has anything else to say (buy/sell, jokes, rants, raves, whatever) drop us a line.

P Gill

send us an email if you have anything to announce, sell, or would just like a rant/rave.